The Most Impractical Purchase Ever Made

Have I ever told you about the most impractical purchase I’ve ever made?

Pretty sure I haven’t – so here it is.

The most impractical purchase I've ever made.

The most impractical purchase I’ve ever made.

And the most impractical thing about this bathing suit is not the deep plunging neck line, if you can even call it that.  Nor is the skimpy amount of material that covers my, um, plentiful backside, nor is it the 145 dollar price tag.  Although all of those things are enough to make any person that even knows me remotely well, to say, “what the hell was she thinking?!?”

No, no. It doesn’t stop there…in fact, the most impractical thing about that bathing suit is not the suit, it’s the circumstances surrounding the purchase of the suit.

Let me set the scene for you.  It’s a couple days before my 30th birthday, I feel “weird” and I count the days on the calendar and realize something is missing, so I take about 4 pregnancy tests…

I can assume we all know what the result was of said tests…and while panicking about what the hell the rest of my life would look like, I headed to the airport to catch a flight to LA because I had long standing plans to celebrate my 30th birthday out there with my best friend.

I know – that is a lot to process right there.  Imagine being me.

Once I land at LAX my friend collects me and my glowing self at the airport, and we head to her apartment in Hermosa Beach, which is where I dropped my bags and cried in her bed for a good 3 days.  At some point she was forced to leave me unattended to go into work (although she did send friends over to check on me) and that is when I went shopping.  Which may seem odd, considering the transformation my body was about to undergo, but I am pretty sure I wasn’t thinking clearly – and her friend was kind enough not to point that out.

On this shopping excursion I came across this swimsuit, and I tried it I with delight – and in a state of utter denial.  I’d just run two half marathons in the previous 6 months and was in the best shape of my adult life (college doesn’t count, although I am still waiting for scientists to reproduce the metabolism that allows you to drink a keg of beer, and fit into a size 4).  I came out of the dressing room and her friend validated how great it looked on me.

“And I can wear it till I’m at least 5 or 6 months pregnant and it will hide my belly…and after the baby it will hide it until I get back into shape,” I said, fully believing the crazy coming our of my mouth.

Look at that suit.  Nothing about it is meant for anyone who has ever even had a thought about a baby.

Didn’t matter, I bought it anyway.  I showed it to my friend when she got home from work, and she nodded and smiled the same way I do when a crazy person shouts things at me on the subway.

Flash forward 2 1/2 years to this past December, and I try the suit on and realize I literally can not get it up over my thighs.  I tried and tried and tried and once I succeeded I realized there was still a lot more of me than there was pre-baby, so I threw the bathing suit (with the tags still attached) into the bottom of my drawer and laughed (sort of) to myself about it.

Then I became really determined to lose weight, which I have done to the tune of 9 pounds lost so far, thanks to my neighbors helping with Ellie and my refusal to purchase any more boxes of wine for my apartment.  And now I am back down to my pre-baby weight.  Don’t commend me too much…after all folks, it has been more than 2 years since I delivered Ellie.

But in honor of this milestone, I decided to test out the bathing suit.  So last night, I dug it out of the bottom of my drawer, and I put it on and…to my surprise and delight…it fit!!!  Okay so my arms aren’t as toned as they used to be, and my butt is more JLO than Pipa Middleton, but it fit and I could theoretically go out in public wearing this bathing suit.   

I felt so accomplished and really proud of myself, so I snapped a photo and sent it my best friend (the one that I sold my crazy to when I first purchased the item) with a note that said: I. AM. BACK.

Then I walked from the bedroom to my bathroom and when I got into the bathroom, I looked in the mirror and realized my breast had flopped out of the bathing suit.

Okay, so maybe the fact that it fits doesn’t mean that it doesn’t still hold as the most impractical purchase ever made.

Which, by the way, doesn’t necessarily mean that I am now going to wear it out to the pool or beach.