Things Not to Say to a Pregnant Woman. Ever.

1. Eating for two?
Response in my head: Nope. Just eating an apple. Like I do normally. But perhaps you should cut back on the carbs, you look like you are packing on the pounds.
Response in reality: Haha. People that aren’t pregnant eat apples all the time.

2. You are starting to waddle.
Response in my head: Ass. I have always waddled. Especially when I run. You just feel you are entitled to make a comment about this because I am pregnant now and there appears to be a correlation. Perhaps my less than runway ready walk is exaggerated by the back pain I have been having, but I don’t care to discuss any of that with you because you just told me I am waddling.
Response on reality: Nope. I am not.

3. Are you afraid the baby will look like him?
Response in my head: Um…no. I am afraid that terrorists might blow up Times Square (conveniently located 8 blocks from my apartment), I am afraid that the crazy man on the subway might have a weapon, I am afraid that I might not be able to appropriately support myself and my daughter. Her appearence is not really on the top of my list of concerns right now…although I wouldn’t mind if she had my eyes.
Response in reality: Smile and I shake my head no.

4. You think you are tired now…You are never going to rest when the baby is born.
Response in my head: SHUT THE HELL UP. NOW.
Response in reality: Yea, I am tired now. I go to work at 3:30am.

5. Ya know, kids are really expensive.
Response in my head: Really? I had no idea. I am college educated by an institution that cost 32,000 dollars a year, one I am STILL paying for 8 years after graduation. I live in a city where a salad at a deli costs about 13 dollars and rent for a 400 square foot apartment costs 2,000 dollars a month. I KNOW I will never look at money the same again. I have been worried about money from the day I got the documents from the bank stating how much I owed on my student loans, PLUS INTEREST. (That interest thing really got me, ask my dad. He still has to remind me why this is part of the system). Thanks for your reminder, but there really isn’t any turning back now so let’s focus on the positive.
Response in reality: Huh, yep, I know.