What If?…

Lately I’ve been very retrospective…thinking about what would my life be like right now if i wasn’t pregnant.  And a few things are obvious…some are less so…but I will share them all with you.

1.  I would be able to get my boots off without feeling like my ribs are going to break my water.  

2. I would be able to see all areas of my body that I need to shave.  

3.  I wouldn’t be closer to 200 pounds than I am to 150.

4. People would not shout – BOY! or GIRL! at me when i walk to work in the morning…randomly…I do not know these people.  Actually now that I think about it…this has replaced cat calls, but are from the same demographic.  Interesting.

5.  I would still know nothing about how breech babies feet are up by their ears for a few weeks after they are born.

6. My drawers would be filled with a lot more of MY clothes instead of booties, and tiny socks and onesies and a breast pump.

7.  I’d be able to roll over at night without groaning in pain.  

8. My hands and feet would not ache like I have terrible arthritis.

9. I’d probably be at the bar as I type…instead of waiting for my friend to come over and make me dinner.  Her idea, not mine – one that I quickly said yes to.

10. And I’d probably be thin and uninhibited and free to do whatever I wanted.

But also…

11. I wouldn’t have just opened a card from one of my best friends in the world that said “I know I’ve said this a million times but I so admire you for all of your bravery.  There is so much to look forward to and I am so glad I am on the ride with you.”  Or one that has Wonder Woman on the front that says “All of the baby cards at the store sucked so I got a card that represents how I think of you…” from a friend I have known for more than half my life.  Or a card that says, “I am secretly hoping you go into labor at work so I can go to the hospital with you.”

12.  I wouldn’t be wearing a necklace that says “Mama” on it.

13. I wouldn’t know that my sister really did marry one of the greatest guys in the world…and he meant it when he said he would be there for me whenever I needed him.

14. I wouldn’t really understand what my parents meant when they said, “We will always be here for you.”

15.  I wouldn’t know what great people my sisters are and how they really are my best friends in the entire world.

16.  I would have missed out on so many great stories of yours…where you have reminded me that nothing is perfect, that life is complicated and that everything does work out the way it is supposed to.

17.  I would have not had the opportunity to look around the room like I did on Saturday and see all of these loving faces looking at me…knowing that everyone I loved and cared about was in one room with me or was there in spirit.  About 80 people thought about me and my daughter for an entire afternoon.  

Before this, I didn’t know 80 plus people cared that much about me…I had no idea how much love there actually was around me…

Ya know, since leaving my last job, my blood pressure keeps getting lower and lower every time I go to the doctors, which makes me laugh, because you would think that the closer I get to having the baby, the more stressed I would become.  I think the opposite is true.  The closer I get to having the baby, the more I realize how much support I have.  The more I realize how many unbelievably loving, caring, supportive, funny people there are in this world. 

And somehow, the more I spend time with those type of people, the more the other kind of people don’t matter.  As the days go by, those type of people are less and less visible to me.  Funny how that happens.  

I stop short of saying that I feel more complete now than I did before, because this is REALLY HARD some days…and because I don’t think a baby or a spouse or anyone can complete a person.  But as much as I love my daughter, it isn’t really about her yet…it’s about you.  YOU and all of your concern and advice and love have made my life fuller.

I went to a wedding a few weeks ago of a friend I have known since college that I now have the pleasure of working with and this reading spoke to me like nothing else…so indulge me:

1 Corinthians 13:1-13
If I speak in the tongues of men and angels,
but have not love,
I have become sounding brass or a tinkling symbol.
And if I have prophecy and know all mysteries and all knowledge,
and if I have all faith so as to remove mountains,
but have not love, I am nothing.
And if I dole out all my goods, and
if I deliver my body that I may boast
but have not love, nothing I am profited.
Love is long suffering,
love is kind,
it is not jealous,
love does not boast,
it is not inflated.
It is not discourteous,
it is not selfish,
it is not irritable,
it does not enumerate the evil.
It does not rejoice over the wrong, but rejoices in the truth

It covers all things,
it has faith for all things,
it hopes in all things,
it endures in all things.
Love never falls in ruins;
but whether prophecies, they will be abolished; or
tongues, they will cease; or
knowledge, it will be superseded.
For we know in part and we prophecy in part.
But when the perfect comes, the imperfect will be superseded…
But then I shall know as also I was fully known.
And now remains
faith, hope, love, these three;
but the greatest of these is love.

And all I can think every time I read this is…