I Can’t Sleep.

And would you like to know why I can’t sleep?

Yes.  Of course you would.

Because this is what is stuck inside of me.

I want you to take a close look at this example (or photo stolen off the internet) of  Frank Breech baby after birth.

It was sent to me by one of the reporters I respect most in the industry.  I had reached out to her yesterday to ask that she file a report for the show I am currently working on and then I wished her a Happy Thanksgiving and a Merry Christmas, telling her that I would be on out on maternity leave for a few months.   This led to questions and the disclosure that I am having a breech baby and need a c-section.

What transpired next is the universe’s way of telling me I am not going crazy.

She asked…”Is the baby’s butt totally down and feet are up by her face?”  I said, “Yes, that is it.”

She replied, “You must be terribly uncomfortable, that is how my son was.  Everything will be fine, but do you want me to call you after the hit?”(for you people blessed enough to work in an industry other than television…hit = live report for the show)

I replied, “Yes please.”

(In case you are wondering, at my place of employment we use email like instant messenger.)

Anyway…she called me and told me her son is currently 19 and healthy and very athletic and that this type of breech position is the most entertaining fetal position…so really I have weeks of endless entertainment in front of me.

Then she asked if I was uncomfortable.

And I told her the truth…the past week or so at work I haven’t been able to hide how hard it has been…and honestly I have been beating myself up for being a baby.  Thoughts in my head included…”Women do this all the time….Pregnancy is natural…Just think about it, you could be in the African dessert…”  Ya know, the standard beating yourself up thoughts.

So I said, “Um, well I can’t breath easily, the pressure and strain is really bad and sitting or standing for any period of time is not uncomfortable…it’s painful.”

Now I must say this is one of the most impressive reporters I have ever had the privilege of speaking to, let alone working with.  I have admired this woman and the stamina she has for years.  She has spent long stretches of time in what I can imagine are very uncomfortable situations with our nation’s bravest…who are also in very uncomfortable conditions.

So I worried slightly about her response.  After all…I am pregnant…not fighting in a war, or reporting on it.

She said, “Oh my god, that position is the worst!  Her head is jammed up into your ribs…anytime you do to do anything her butt presses down on you…your stomach hurts because she is basically crushing all of your internal organs.”

I swear I almost started to cry.

“Yes!,” I said, “I felt like such a baby for not being tougher, but this hurts so badly.”

And she said, “Oh it’s just the worst, but looking at her after she is born will only make you laugh and don’t let anyone scare you, everything is going to be fine.”

We continued to have a great conversation about what it is like to be a working mom…and again she touched on things that have kept me up at night.

I believe her direct quote is something like, “Oh it’s not easy…but just wait…once she is here, you will worship her.”

I think I might have told you that when I first got pregnant and I realized I would be doing this without a partner, I cried myself to sleep one night and I said, “God, please don’t make me do this alone.”

The next day my sister called and told me she was also pregnant…and I laughed and said, “Well that wasn’t exactly what I meant, but I’ll take it.”

The conversation I had yesterday was a great reminder that I am not doing this alone.  Just when I thought no one understood exactly how this physically felt, I was presented with someone who had been  there.  And not only someone…someone that I really admire.

So on this Thanksgiving, I am thankful for the healthy daughter continuing to suck the life out of me and for everyone I have spoken to and met and even dreamt about over the last 38 weeks that have reminded me that I am not alone.

I hope you all have a wonderful, safe and fulfilling holiday.