Spanx Are Now My Biggest Asset

My ass used to be my biggest asset.  Now, my Spanx are.

I love them, and their other control garment cousins.  I love them so much that I feel this odd need to always over-share when I am wearing them.  In fact, I really believe that if it weren’t for shape wear, I would have needed therapy simply to mourn the loss of my pre-baby body.  Instead, I wear the Spanx and broadcast the fact that they are hugging my body, to anyone that will listen.

I was covering an amazing First Ever Fashion Week Show for Moms for work, and I ran into a former boss of mine.  He asked how motherhood was treating me, and I went on and on about how amazing Ellie is. Said she was a genius because she says, “Apple”.  And he said, “Wait to see how smart you think she is when she says, ‘shit’.”  And we shared a good, bad parent laugh.

And then he said, “Well you look amazing!”

And I got the feeling he really meant what he said, which meant I really felt the need to say, “Thanks!  I love my Spanx.”

Now why couldn’t I just go with, “Thanks.”?  I have no idea.  I talk about my undergarments like it’s standard water cooler conversation.  A friend of mine shared that she wasn’t wearing a thong for the first time in a while and I said, “That must feel amazing.  Every single pair of underwear I own has holes in them.  So on Sunday, I used that as an excuse to wear the underwear that I had on when I left the hospital.  The SIZE LARGE, HIGH WAISTED, GRANNY PANTIES.  Felt amazing.  My ass hasn’t been that happy in a while.”

My poor friends.

Anyway, recently I realized shape wear need not be limited turning Beyoncifiying my backside.  There is shape wear to shape, well, everything and I think it is amazing.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that wishing and hoping for a gym and trainer to appear in my living room is not going to suddenly kick my ass into shape –  nor will it make that ring of extra skin around my stomach disappear.

And really, did I think my stomach could go from this…

Delivery Day – carrying a 9lb 6oz breach baby.


Back to this…

The days when I could wear a public.

Ahhh…the good ole’ bikini days.

Really…we all know I would have to work out a hell of a lot more than the zero hours I am able to work out right now to get that stomach back.

But accepting that reality doesn’t mean I am any happier about the way my clothes fit.  In fact, as I stare at this picture, I am tempted to go take Ellie out of her crib, put her in the jogging stroller and just run…to like, Maine.

And since that would present a whole host of new problems for me, I have instead opted for shape wear for my stomach!!!

And now I am obsessed.

It occurred to me while I was was in the dressing room with Ellie, trying on shirt after shirt and I didn’t like how anything fell on me.  Even with my tried and true t-shirts that I never leave the house without.

Ellie didn’t seem to mind what my stomach looked like, as long as I let her touch my belly button, then her belly button, then my button, then her belly button.  And then she pushed in on my softer than I’d like it to be stomach and I said to her, “Ya know, mommy had a six pack when she got pregnant with you.  She ran a half marathon and had a six pack…do you know what a six pack looks like?”

And she looked at me and said, “Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiixxxx”

And I said, “Yes…six, now I have ONE pack – of mush.”

And she put up her little finger to show me the number one.

So being the solution oriented person that I am, I decided to go for it, and try on some tank tops that offer support for your stomach.  Now, I may have broken a sweat getting in and out of those tanks, but they certainly make my shirts look nicer.  And it felt good to break a sweat again.

And since being discreet is for losers, when I went into work earlier in the week a friend said, “Cara, you look great!  You look so thin.”

I couldn’t help it and said, “Thanks!  I am basically wearing Spanx for my stomach.  I can’t breath comfortably, but I feel like I have my old figure back.  I swear, god forbid there was a fire in my apartment, I would grab Ellie, my Spanx and these t-shirts, and run!”

***Spanx did not pay me to write this…in fact, I fear if someone from Spanx read this, they might be horrified and ask me not to reference them in any future posts***