So Beautiful…And So What I Needed
I am sort of really obsessed with a rainbow that appeared over my parent’s house this evening…and although the beauty is enough on it’s own, I will give a little context as to why I loooooove it because – well because – I can’t help myself.
Ellie and I are at my parent’s house for the next couple weeks because Ellie’s school is closed and I need child care, and Ellie’s Jillian is out at the beach working for another family indefinitely. I thought through a number of child care options and my sister and my mom made my decision easy and told me just to come home, where either one of them, or my 80-year-old grandmother, will be watching Ellie while I work…on a site…that is launching in a month – and my Dad offered to let me use some spare space at his office.
I feel like about 40% of my work as a mother is consumed by making arrangements for child care, whether its managing when I have to travel or work late, or when Ellie’s school or when (gasp) she is sick…it is the one factor that continues to cause mini panic attacks all the time in my universe. I mean I am sort of getting used to constantly praying that the next fever/illness/gotta keep her home from school virus doesn’t coincide with some huge deadline – but it is just exhausting.
And I am also a little – okay a lot – unnerved by the fact that I am doing something that I am not completely familiar with. By the time I left TV I knew almost every aspect of it like the back of my hand and I came to enjoy that familiarity. Despite my ongoing desire to pretend like I am go with the flow (Hey! I wear flip flips and Birkenstocks and like deep breaths and waterfalls and peace and love), I am sort of not really go with the flow at all.
When I was transitioning from one job, to this current one, I would say, “I mean, I am okay with change…change is good, I like change…” and Ellie’s Jillian would just smile and say, “Children aren’t the only ones that struggle with transitions..”
I really, really try to be okay with the unknown and transition and change, but wow – I would give my life savings (if I had one) to get a little crystal ball action up in here…with just a little glimpse into the future. I feel like my life has one big change and transition since I turned 30, and although most of it has turned out wonderfully, it hasn’t been without stress and some moments of, “ENOUGH CHANGE ALREADY!!!! I just want something to look the same!!!!”
For so long I knew exactly what I wanted my life to look like and I made that happen (for better or worse) and now I feel like I am such a blank (but somewhat anxious, pondering) slate – and it is unnerving because I like some firm parameters within which to pretend like I am carefree and flexible.
And I was thinking through all of this, and a whole bunch more last night, as I was trying to fall asleep and I, once again, asked for a sign. Anything, to remind me that everything is going to work out – even if I have no idea what exactly that means…
And less than 24 hours later, the universe gave me this.