Fire Truck Grocery Carts, Calliou and Other Universally Despised Items

I love my daughter more than I have words to explain. Like I seriously watch her sleep at night and can feel myself falling more in love with her in that actual moment. But for the love of god, there are a handful of things that she gravitates toward that make me INSANE. In fact, I realized that I have formed a (perhaps slightly crazy) list of banned items that I have running through my head at pretty much all times. And I have to believe that I am not alone in my disdain.

Here’s a list of what’s GOT TO GO…

  1. Calliou – Wow. I want to talk to the creators of this cartoon and figure out exactly what they were trying to teach children with their incessantly whiny main character. Let me make something clear – there is plenty of whining in my real life generated by my real 4-year-old to last me a long, long time. I do not need a cartoon that in any way adds to that whining. And beyond that, this is not the behavior modeling I really interested in showing to my 4-year-old. She’s got the whining down, thankyouverymuch.

  2. The Grocery Carts with Plastic Cars/Firetrucks/Etc attached – Whomever invented these things never actually tried pushing them through a crowded grocery store. Or any grocery store for that matter. These carts are about 3 times the size of a normal one, and take an errand that I already don’t enjoy and make it about 12x more difficult. Either I am taking 4 attempts to round the corner to the next aisle, OR I am taking out one of those end-caps, OR worse, nearly knocking down a small child whose parent somehow managed to avoid having to push those damn carts around. And my daughter seems to have the incredible ability to spot the availability of these carts before we even turn into the parking lot, making it nearly impossible for me to stick to my, “This isn’t a trip for those carts,” approach. I hate them. A lot.

  3. Character bandages – OH MY GOD. These bandages are not just expensive body stickers, they are also a source of supposed pain when I insist on removing the 4-day-old, dirt encrusted, unnecessary bandage.

  4. High-heel princess shoes – Okay, I do everything in my power to avoid wearing high heels. EVERYTHING. But little girls everywhere are obsessed with these pretend, plastic high heels that I think are supposed to be for dress-up only, but somehow make their way out of the house with your child claiming that they are the ONLY shoes they can find to wear to a dinner you are already 20 minutes late for.

  5. Balloons – If a non-parent saw the distance I travel out of my way to avoid a balloon sighting when I am with my daughter, they would probably question my mental state. But a parent, oh a fellow parent understands that balloons are just one more thing that will inevitably become an issue. First of all, my daughter becomes emotionally attached to the balloon, never ever wanting it to deflate. Like, forever. Second, the balloon wanders through my house, bouncing around, and somehow always makes it up into my bedroom, scaring the sh*t out of me in the middle of the night. Third, once it is time to put the deflating balloon out of it’s misery, I have to embark on a clandestine mission in order to pop it and discard it without my daughter seeing me do it. And then…as if all of that wasn’t enough – about 3 or 4 days later, my daughter will notice the balloon has not made an appearance as of late and she will freak out.

  6. Water balloons – Who doesn’t love a good water balloon fight?  Parents. That’s who. Last summer, my sister and her husband (3 kids among them), invited myself (one child) and my boyfriend at the time (two children) all over for some summer fun. The kids were all under age 5, so I had the genius idea of buying water balloons. Do you know how long it takes to properly fill and tie a water balloon? 87 minutes. Do you know how long it takes for a child to toss and pop a water balloon? .5 seconds. And then, if they are not crying because they were hit in the face with the water balloon, they stand there, jumping up and down, bugging you to hurry up and fill up more. Pretty much the opposite of fun.

I’m sure there are a number of items I’ve missed or been so traumatized by that I’ve just blocked them out entirely…but whatever the case is…skimming this list made me sweat with anxiety and laugh at the same time…which I guess is actually an excellent metaphor for all aspects of parenting.